untelled

being silent don't mean i did not do anything. i can't live without writing, i always keep my eye and my fingers on this blog to write. however, i also can't live with my inability to choose which writings to post and to keep. and here's i present a bunch of words that i write with deep feel and deep though a couple of days ago, and maybe you can find some cliche things in it wich it the turth story of mine.

Tentang Kehilangan 

ketika kamu mulai terbiasa dengan hal-hal yang hilang secara bergantian. bukan berarti kamu tidak lagi merasakan sakit, iya kan?
kamu sadar ada emosi yang berusaha mendobrak, ada lintasan yang membuat darah dalam nadimu melebihi kecepatan dari biasanya, mengalir ke seluruh tubuhmu, memaksa untuk diledakan.
seringnya, kita menyimpan ledakan itu sendiri, menelanya bulat-bulat, dan membekapnya dalam diam, berharap bisa melupakannya segera sambil berpura-pura semua baik-baik saja. padahal kamu salah, ketika kamu merasa ada sesuatu yang ingin meledak dalam dirimu biarkan saja itu meledak. kamu bukan harus menahannya, kamu hanya perlu mengarahkannya. mengarahkan ledakan itu. apakah itu akan meledak menjadi tangisan, atau meledak menjadi kata2 yang kemudian kamu rangkai menjadi sebuah cerita atau mungkin lagu. dan jika ledakan itu adalah energi berlebih yang harus kamu keluarkan, ada baiknya jika energi itu kamu salurkan dengan lari beberapa putaran daripada memporakporandakan sekitarmu. pilih yang terbaik menurutmu.

kejam memang, ketika emosi ingin meledakpun kita masih harus menentukan dengan bijak. tapi itulah hidup. ketika hidup terus mengujimu kamu hanya perlu menghadapinya, dan caramu menghadapinya itulah yang akan dinilai apakah kamu naik ke level selanjutnya atau mengulang ujian yang sama. jangan takut terluka, perlu kamu ketahui pemenang bukanlah mereka yang dapat menghindari lubang, bukan pula mereka yang dengan angkuh berpura-pura baik-baik saja dan mengabaikan semua tawaran bantuan, justru mereka yang terjatuh paling dalam namun dapat kembali bangkit, itulah pemenang.
sekeras apapun kepalamu kamu tetaplah manusia, ada saatnya kamu lelah bersandiwara pada opera yang awalnya kamu buat sendiri, karna berbohong itu lebih ganas dari penyakit mematikan manapun. ketika kamu memulai kebohongan kamu harus menutupi kebohonganmu dengan kebohongan lainnya, yang kemudian kamu masuk dalam putaran nista. tanpa kamu sadari ia menggerogoti jiwamu, jasadmu mungkin baik-baik saja, namun tidak dengan hatimu.

kembali lagi tentang kehilangan, ketika kamu kehilangan kamu tidak harus mengultimatum dirimu sendiri untuk segera melupakan, apalagi mengikhlaskan. hal yang paling kamu butuhkan adalah waktu. waktu untuk membuat kamu terbiasa tanpa kehadiran hal yang telah hilang itu lagi, waktu untuk kembali merapikan hatimu yang mungkin porak poranda setalah kehilangan, dan waktu untuk mempersiapkan diri datangnya hal baru.

 | setiap kehilangan berarti kesempatan untuk menemukan yang baru |

hidup itu berputar, kamu harus merasakan rasanya berada dibawah jika kamu ingin maju. dan setiap perasaan yang ada dihatimu akan terus berubah, kamu tidak akan merasakan hal yang sama selamanya.  ketika kamu merasa ingin meledak, ledakanlah. saat kamu merasa bahagia, berbahagialah. ketika kamu jatuh cinta, kamu tidak harus berjanji mencintainya selamanya, katakanlah bahwa kamu mencintainya saat ini. jangan pernah menahan sesuatu hanya karna takut kehilangan, jangan pernah takut untuk jujur hanya karna kamu pikir kejujuran itu akan menyakitinya, cinta yang paling murni adalah ketika kamu jujur dan dia tetap mencintaimu, begitu pula sebaliknya. jangan biarkan apapun menghalangimu. percayalah ketika kamu jujur semuanya akan baik baik saja.

i don't know am i the only one who have different tough everyday. you know that was my though that i write couple days ago and i'm feel disagree to it now, i am. i read it many times and it makes different senses everyday. it wierd when i feel i have to tell my contra argument to my own inscription. yet, i have to.

i always want honesty, i know everyone too. i though when everything says honesty life always feel better. i get the turth, live the turth, and no pretending. but it different when you find someone you trust or someone you love is lying to you. moreover, you find that your though all this time did not fit with the turth. dissaponted while you try to still believe. you say that everything's gonna be okay while you know that well that your heart is broke, tore into pieces. your world is falling apart. and you know i'm not okay.

and here's the turth :

i'm hurted. i'm dissapointed. but i'm still keep my faith on you.

i'm feel like a dumbest girl to trust you all this time but i'm still keep my faith on you.

i know you lying to me. i maybe mad. but i rather keep live this lying than let you go.

i know how stupid i am now, i understand if other people judging me, but it does not a matter.

cause sooner or latter you will go out of my way, leave all this sweet things or this falsity things. so i'll fight for you that much. i'll bear the burden now, cause at the end i want the crown.

happy ending

i'm a movie lover. i watch a lot. drama, horor, action, comedy, thriler, romance, fiction.

i tell you, watch a lot. but in any genre, i love the happy ending one the most.

in happy ending story there must be sadness and melancholy parts.

Cinderella, Princess Jasmine, Viona, Gumiho, Cha Eun Sang.

They are trough all part of the movie, sad, bad, to the happy ending.

as a viewer, i already know since the begining that the movie i wacthed will endinh happily,

but i still watch it. not to prove am i wrong or right, but to seehow do they face all obstacle

and sad scenes of the movie.

and fantastic, they amazed me.

"how can ?" "what's make you stand that long ?" "aren't you tired ?" "aren't you loathe ?"

that questions fulfill my head. but they holding on, do not give up, struggle, and they triumph.

they get the victory, the happy ending. they show me the answer.

i just smile, relieved, satisfied. feel that vicarious happiness, a verry lovely feeling.
but still, they are not easily get that happy ending. they fight and toil much.

"one who want the crown, must bear the burden" -

and they prove it, they get the crown.
and what makes they still strong is faith, hope, and belief. they believe in themself,
believe that hardwork will never betray. and they render the people they love as their
power energy.
now, the only one question leave in my head is...

can i get my happy ending ?

i wondering if i bear the burden of crown, wondering how can i face all my sad scenes.
for known, i have never fight that much. i always letting go what have to go.
but now i want, i want to fight and struggle much more, i want stand much longer for my crown.
and i wonder what i would stand and fight for, what type of my crown.
i'm curious.

xx

Unspeakable Moments

it's been 2 month.. how are you my beloved (delusion) blogwalkers ❤️
aha!

capek ah ya sok ngemeng inggris mele, pake bahasa tercinta aja. well, it's december already! banyak sekali kisah yang sudah terjadi semenjak terakhir gua posting blog. skandal2 kisah cinta, teman2 baru, dan sekrang gua makin sok sibuk karena kegiatan UKM di kampus. awal masuk sih gua kekeuh pengen ikut EC (english club) tapi ternyata jiwa jurnalis gua lebih kuat, jadilah gua sekarang wartawan abal-abal di kampus.

but seriously, nggak nyesel sama sekali gua masuk pers. they have a half of my soul. jadi tau gimana rasanya berorganisasi, dikejer deadline, cara nulis yang bener, wawancara, i'm so having fun there.

hebatnya, gua ngerasain perbahan pesat dalam pembentukan mental gua. dari yang kalo ngomong depan umum keringetan-segede-biji-jagung sekarang jadi keringetan-segede-biji-soleng. ya itu sebuah kemajuan besar buat gua yang memang mental cemen ini.

dan dengan gua masuk sini juga temen jadi makin banyak temen. nggak maba doang, kating, dosen, tukang sapu, bibi kantin. secara gua kan wartawan. ehem.

about love, i've been taken already :p
nggak ada yang spesial, semuanya sederhana tapi kesederhanaan itulah yang jadi pemikat. just wish us can surounded by love longlast♡

but no matter how fast time flies, no matter how things change swiftly. there are some people can not be replace..

ma best pal, ma love, ma life, iip gia❤️❤️❤️ really miss you guys :''))

i hope this ashole distance can ending soon

so we can do crazy things like we did

much love.

xx

ney

let them come and go..

I was talking about feelings. you know, you'll never get same feeling everyday. maybe you'll feel happy tomorow, you'll show your biggest smile, yelling, jumping, and do somehing stupid to show how exited you are. perhaps you'll feel sad, feel dissapointed, you'll find yourself glum, dejected, and crying, you think your whole life is falling apart. your mood keeps changing all the time. That's life.
You found yourself at university. Whereas, it was only yesterday you felt the exitement of your first school. you met to new people, make friends, become a bestfriend, promised not to split, but then time flies, you grown up, you begin to distance, stop talking to them, and watch them go away with their new friends, get angry, feel lonely, then you go looking for people who care, share about your feeling, felt fit, have new friends, and it will continue again and over again..

Its the same thing when you're in love. meet someone, introduce each other, you found they're cute the way they treat you, fascinated, you try to sense every written and unwritten words they conjured. Be fond by sharing your own thoughts, comfortable in unleashing what’s inside your head. but then you relize how aching it could be. When you found yourself mislead by your own thought. When something failed to meet your expectation swiftly replaced by disappointment. Everything is twisted. What you know now did not fit to what you know then. Adapting to the change, the dissonance that happened in between. They are no longer doing the things they used to do with you. You have no courage to ask why, cause you barely know that if it once has a meaning at all.

You spend your days contemplating, pondering. Trying to find the answer why whilst trying to forget. Denying things. You surely know that you are broke. Tore into pieces, but you surely can gather it back in. But there’s this wound, which might not be healed even by time. They surely leave a mark, which once has a meaning to you, but left meaningless. but then again that is not the end of your life, you'll find someone new, fall in love, and over time is keep running, your life will keep moving..

Life will continue to be met with series of feelings, so don't ever stuck in one moment. When you're happy, feel free to laugh. If your heart broke, just let it broke cause you'll be okay. Feelings are just visitors, so let them come and go..

Replica

Came upon this article on a favouritest blog of mine, and figured out that it's actually from thought catalog Got the urge to post this on my blog, cause i couldn't agree more to what it said and i guess most of you will do the same. or maybe not.

The One Who Cares Less 

 I’ve often heard that people only start wanting you when they think that you don’t want them. It’s true; I’ve lived by it. Whether its business or friendships or especially romantic relationships, the person who cares less always seems to be the person who has the most power. At least that’s what it might feel like for the person that cares more. But I question whether this is true or not.

I have been called the, “queen of not giving a shit.” One of my many talents is that I am really good at both not actually caring, as well as acting like I don’t care. Just yesterday, some girlfriends and I were talking about boys and I quoted Almost Famous as my romance mantra, “If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.” And it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ultimately come off as cynical about relationships. People think it stems from really not caring; on the contrary, it stems from the fear of caring too much.

I know how to be the person who doesn’t text back, who doesn’t call back, who waits for the guy to make the first move, and who acts like I couldn’t care less whether he does or he doesn’t. Being this person comes natural to me because I have convinced myself that being the other person comes with too much potential damage. And I do think to an extent it does. I may never have truly had my heart broken, but I’ve known people who have; I’ve been there for them. And that shit isn’t fun. It’s depressing and devastating and oftentimes a really long journey to returning to being okay.

But the thing is I think people who put themselves out there; people who let you know they care a lot – I think that they have the right idea. I think the human heart especially when it’s young, is really resilient. I think that the journey to being okay when one’s heart has been broken is a journey that is usually worth facing even when love hasn’t done what you wanted. But when you’re the one who cares less, who apparently doesn’t care at all, you’ll go never go on this journey because you’ll convince yourself that you don’t need to. You convince yourself that you’re fine even when you’re not.

What people don’t seem to realize about the person who cares less or acts like they care less is that they’re usually the one who ends up being hurt the most. It is human to want love and to want to be taken care of and to want to take care of someone else. To deny that, is simply to deny one’s humanity. Being the “queen of not giving a shit” doesn’t make one healthier or stronger or wiser or cooler or even happier. It just makes you feel less human. It makes you feel, less and less.

When it’s all said and done, even people who are perfectly lonely and perfectly alone – still need their person. Whether it’s a romantic partner, a good friend, a loyal family member – everybody needs a person. And the truth is if you act like you don’t care enough, people will eventually start to believe you. So if you feel like you care too much or feel too much or love too much, remember that the alternative is worse. We should all try to seek balance because virtue is that middle ground between any two extremes. But when it comes to love, I don’t know if there is such a thing as loving too much or showing that you love too much. And if there is, I think it’s commendable; not something to be ashamed of. Because if you don’t tell people and show people that you do care, that you do have feelings for them, that you do love them, how the hell are they supposed to know?

So I suppose you can go through life thinking that eventually someone will break down all the walls that you’ve put up, because you don’t want anyone to know how much you can care; how much you can love. But life is short and people are busy. And maybe when the right person comes along, maybe they’ll see right through you. Maybe. But if you keep telling yourself that you don’t care, maybe you’ll also start believing it and you won’t even be able to see your person when you find them. So get out while you can and start giving a shit; and if your heart breaks, let it break. Because it’ll be okay. You will be okay.

 -KOVIE BIAKOLO-

best friend or good friend ?

hi there!
it's a looooong time since i leave my blog, ten days exactly. there's so many thing i have to do, saary. by the way i was officialy 17th yesterday, woohooo that was freaking me out, and i have been graduated from my high school so this time i'm going to study at university, but i don't understand what i feel now. i don't know is it good or bad. i mean, come on! university is mean that you have been grown up and quite independent to deal with real world. but in other side i feel sad because it mean i will parted with my friends, and i can't do a crazy and hilarious things anymore.

ughh.. it was complicated thing.

but no, i'm not going to share about univerisy thing. this post will be a little bit absurd post.
yesterday i see a tweet of someone i did't know. he said ...

"a good friend buy you lunch, a best friend eat your lunch"

isn't it an interesting words uh? ever since i saw it, i kept thinking about it. i try to find what it mean, and now i get it! it's about differentciate between a "good friend" and a "best friend" of a friendships. you must have friends, right? someone who cares about you, who understands your feeling, someone who would love to spend the time with you. but did you know what kind of your friendship ? is that a bestfriends or just a goodfriends ? you don't know ?. okay i will tell you the differentciate. thus, you will know what kind friendship of yours.

even though their smile describe how happy they are, they aren't best friend.

'cause a best friend is not about you smile,
but it about how comfort are you being yourself when you're together

i get a photo of beautifull celebrities.
but think they're just such of a good friends

because a best friend does not include the background of life in it
no matter who you are.

a good friend will always be nice to you

but a best friend will teach you how to be nice

a best friend wouldn't hide and close their eyes when you made a mistake

they would admonish you and show you how to be right

a best friend don't have to always be there for you

but they always with you everytime you need them

so that was my explain abot friendship. after read this you might furrowed your brow and say "OMFG, WHO THE HELL CARES ?" but i cares! and for those people who cares.. You Rock!

so wich one are yours ? a good friend ? or a best friend ?

xx

ney

Enigma

I wonder how ruthless and enigmatic could people’s mind be. How their passion continued branching and become an endless. Since they get what they want, they'll never be in contented feeling. They keep looking for a better, for them. Keep moving under this haunting continuous discontentment and sometime they decide to waste things that have been obtained.

I wonder how powerful and engaging their words could be. How you can be impressed and easily defined. Seeing the face, the look, the expression they cast upon you as they spoke. When they see you get something more than they have gotten, they'll lauding at you, catapulting sweet words. But who knows, the compliment and smiles that comes out of their mouths is a trick to hide their spite. You see what is seen. You never know the unseen.

I wonder how greedy people could be. Never feel enough to what they've gotten. Complaining, blabbering, and blaming the destiny. Always looking for an excuse to leave and go to get something better. Some people will do anything for things they want, one way or another. They fulled their head with ambition, desire, and such things that blinded them to the good and the bad. hereupon, turned them into cruel monsters.

I wonder how fast people could get bored. They judging something/one is not good for them when they do not even know that well. And how easy they get interest. They swiftly move and re persue their desires when they are not even grateful for the things that they have been obtained. And people will do it again and over again.

I wonder how pitty they could be. When they found themself tired to chase something better. When they belatedly realized that the better things is does not exist. because those "better" things are just things that we have no, and "better" things are things that we create ourselves when we feel dissatisfied and ungrateful.

And I wonder how all these remain as an enigma.